Activism
Life After Domestic Violence: What My Work With Black Women Survivors Has Taught Me
Survivors sometimes lack awareness about the dynamics of healthy relationships, particularly when one has not been modeled for them at home. Media often minimizes domestic abuse, pushing the imagery of loyalty and love for one’s partner above everything — even harm.
By Paméla Michelle Tate, Ph.D., California Black Media Partners
It was the Monday morning after her husband had a “situation” involving their child, resulting in food flying in the kitchen and a broken plate.
Before that incident, tensions had been escalating, and after years of unhappiness, she finally garnered enough courage to go to the courthouse to file for a divorce.
She was sent to an on-site workshop, and the process seemed to be going well until the facilitator asked, “Have you experienced domestic abuse?” She quickly replied, “No, my husband has never hit me.”
The facilitator continued the questionnaire and asked, “Has your husband been emotionally abusive, sexually abusive, financially abusive, technologically abusive, or spiritually abusive?”
She thought about how he would thwart her plans to spend time with family and friends, the arguments, and the many years she held her tongue. She reflected on her lack of access to “their money,” him snooping in her purse, checking her social media, computer, and emails, and the angry blowups where physical threats were made against both her and their children.
At that moment, she realized she had been in a long-suffering domestic abuse relationship.
After reading this, you might not consider the relationship described above as abusive — or you might read her account and wonder, “How didn’t she know that she was in an abusive relationship?”
Survivors sometimes lack awareness about the dynamics of healthy relationships, particularly when one has not been modeled for them at home. Media often minimizes domestic abuse, pushing the imagery of loyalty and love for one’s partner above everything — even harm.
After working with survivors at Black Women Revolt Against Domestic Violence in San Francisco, California, I have learned a great deal from a variety of survivors. Here are some insights:
Abuse thrives in isolation.
Societal tolerance of abusive behavior is prevalent in the media, workplaces, and even churches, although there are societal rules about the dos and don’ts in relationships.
Survivors are groomed into isolation.
Survivors are emotionally abused and manipulated almost from the beginning of their relationships through love-bombing. They are encouraged or coerced into their own little “love nest,” isolating them from family and friends.
People who harm can be charismatic and fun.
Those outside the relationship often struggle to believe the abuser would harm their partner until they witness or experience the abusive behavior firsthand.
Survivors fear judgment.
Survivors fear being judged by family, friends, peers, and coworkers and are afraid to speak out.
Survivors often still love their partners.
This is not Stockholm Syndrome; it’s love. Survivors remember the good times and don’t want to see their partner jailed; they simply want the abuse to stop.
The financial toll of abuse is devastating.
According to the Allstate Foundation’s study, 74% of survivors cite lack of money as the main reason for staying in abusive relationships. Financial abuse often prevents survivors from renting a place to stay. Compounding this issue is the lack of availability of domestic abuse shelters.
The main thing I have learned from this work is that survivors are resilient and the true experts of their own stories and their paths to healing. So, when you encounter a survivor, please take a moment to acknowledge their journey to healing and applaud their strength and progress.
About the Author
Paméla Michelle Tate, Ph.D., is executive director of Black Women Revolt Against Domestic Violence in San Francisco.
Activism
Oakland Post: Week of December 31, 2025 – January 6, 2026
The printed Weekly Edition of the Oakland Post: Week of – December 31, 2025 – January 6, 2026
To enlarge your view of this issue, use the slider, magnifying glass icon or full page icon in the lower right corner of the browser window.
Activism
Big God Ministry Gives Away Toys in Marin City
Pastor Hall also gave a message of encouragement to the crowd, thanking Jesus for the “best year of their lives.” He asked each of the children what they wanted to be when they grow up.
By Godfrey Lee
Big God Ministries, pastored by David Hall, gave toys to the children in Marin City on Monday, Dec. 15, on the lawn near the corner of Drake Avenue and Donahue Street.
Pastor Hall also gave a message of encouragement to the crowd, thanking Jesus for the “best year of their lives.” He asked each of the children what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Around 75 parents and children were there to receive the presents, which consisted mainly of Gideon Bibles, Cat in the Hat pillows, Barbie dolls, Tonka trucks, and Lego building sets.
A half dozen volunteers from the Big God Ministry, including Donnie Roary, helped to set up the tables for the toy giveaway. The worship music was sung by Ruby Friedman, Keri Carpenter, and Jake Monaghan, who also played the accordion.
Big God Ministries meets on Sundays at 10 a.m. at the Mill Valley Community Center, 180 Camino Alto, Mill Valley, CA Their phone number is (415) 797-2567.
Activism
First 5 Alameda County Distributes Over $8 Million in First Wave of Critical Relief Funds for Historically Underpaid Caregivers
“Family, Friend, and Neighbor caregivers are lifelines for so many children and families in Alameda County,” said Kristin Spanos, CEO, First 5 Alameda County. “Yet, they often go unrecognized and undercompensated for their labor and ability to give individualized, culturally connected care. At First 5, we support the conditions that allow families to thrive, and getting this money into the hands of these caregivers and families at a time of heightened financial stress for parents is part of that commitment.”
Family, Friend, and Neighbor Caregivers Can Now Opt Into $4,000 Grants to Help Bolster Economic Stability and Strengthen Early Learning Experiences
By Post Staff
Today, First 5 Alameda County announced the distribution of $4,000 relief grants to more than 2,000 Family, Friend, and Neighbor (FFN) caregivers, totaling over $8 million in the first round of funding. Over the full course of the funding initiative, First 5 Alameda County anticipates supporting over 3,000 FFN caregivers, who collectively care for an estimated 5,200 children across Alameda County. These grants are only a portion of the estimated $190 million being invested into expanding our early childcare system through direct caregiver relief to upcoming facilities, shelter, and long-term sustainability investments for providers fromMeasure C in its first year. This investment builds on the early rollout of Measure C and reflects a comprehensive, system-wide strategy to strengthen Alameda County’s early childhood ecosystem so families can rely on sustainable, accessible care,
These important caregivers provide child care in Alameda County to their relatives, friends, and neighbors. While public benefits continue to decrease for families, and inflation and the cost of living continue to rise, these grants provide direct economic support for FFN caregivers, whose wages have historically been very low or nonexistent, and very few of whom receive benefits. As families continue to face growing financial pressures, especially during the winter and holiday season, these grants will help these caregivers with living expenses such as rent, utilities, supplies, and food.
“Family, Friend, and Neighbor caregivers are lifelines for so many children and families in Alameda County,” said Kristin Spanos, CEO, First 5 Alameda County. “Yet, they often go unrecognized and undercompensated for their labor and ability to give individualized, culturally connected care. At First 5, we support the conditions that allow families to thrive, and getting this money into the hands of these caregivers and families at a time of heightened financial stress for parents is part of that commitment.”
The funding for these relief grants comes from Measure C, a local voter-approved sales tax in Alameda County that invests in young children, their families, communities, providers, and caregivers. Within the first year of First 5’s 5-Year Plan for Measure C, in addition to the relief grants to informal FFN caregivers, other significant investments will benefit licensed child care providers. These investments include over $40 million in Early Care and Education (ECE) Emergency Grants, which have already flowed to nearly 800 center-based and family child care providers. As part of First 5’s 5-Year Plan, preparations are also underway to distribute facilities grants early next year for child care providers who need to make urgent repairs or improvements, and to launch the Emergency Revolving Fund in Spring 2026 to support licensed child care providers in Alameda County who are at risk of closure.
The FFN Relief Grants recognize and support the essential work that an estimated 3,000 FFN caregivers provide to 5,200 children in Alameda County. There is still an opportunity to receive funds for FFN caregivers who have not yet received them.
In partnership with First 5 Alameda County, Child Care Payment Agencies play a critical role in identifying eligible caregivers and leading coordinated outreach efforts to ensure FFN caregivers are informed of and able to access these relief funds.FFN caregivers are eligible for the grant if they receive a child care payment from an Alameda County Child Care Payment Agency, 4Cs of Alameda County, BANANAS, Hively, and Davis Street, and are currently caring for a child 12 years old or younger in Alameda County. Additionally, FFN caregivers who provided care for a child 12 years or younger at any time since April 1, 2025, but are no longer doing so, are also eligible for the funds. Eligible caregivers are being contacted by their Child Care Payment Agency on a rolling basis, beginning with those who provided care between April and July 2025.
“This money is coming to me at a critical time of heightened economic strain,” said Jill Morton, a caregiver in Oakland, California. “Since I am a non-licensed childcare provider, I didn’t think I was eligible for this financial support. I was relieved that this money can help pay my rent, purchase learning materials for the children as well as enhance childcare, buy groceries and take care of grandchildren.”
Eligible FFN caregivers who provided care at any time between April 1, 2025 and July 31, 2025, who haven’t yet opted into the process, are encouraged to check their mail and email for an eligibility letter. Those who have cared for a child after this period should expect to receive communications from their child care payment agency in the coming months. FFN caregivers with questions may also contact the agency they work with to receive child care payments, or the First 5 Alameda help desk, Monday through Friday, from 9 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. PST, at 510-227-6964. The help desk will be closed 12/25/25 – 1/1/26. Additional grant payments will be made on a rolling basis as opt-ins are received by the four child care payment agencies in Alameda County.
Beginning in the second year of Measure C implementation, FFN caregivers who care for a child from birth to age five and receive an Alameda County subsidized voucher will get an additional $500 per month. This amounts to an annual increase of about $6,000 per child receiving a subsidy. Together with more Measure C funding expected to flow back into the community as part of First 5’s 5-Year Plan, investments will continue to become available in the coming year for addressing the needs of childcare providers in Alameda County.
About First 5 Alameda County
First 5 Alameda County builds the local childhood systems and supports needed to ensure our county’s youngest children are safe, healthy, and ready to succeed in school and life.
Our Mission
In partnership with the community, we support a county-wide continuous prevention and early intervention system that promotes optimal health and development, narrows disparities, and improves the lives of children from birth to age five and their families.
Our Vision
Every child in Alameda County will have optimal health, development, and well-being to reach their greatest potential.
Learn more at www.first5alameda.org.
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