Arts and Culture

A Domestic Violence Survivor’s Reflection on Pain

Published

5 years ago

October 21, 2020

Wanda Sabir. Photo courtesy of author.

I am a domestic violence survivor. The malady, “a post-slavery relic,”[1] does not skip generations. I watched my father hit my mother. The term “beaten” doesn’t quite reflect what I recall—my mother resisted, just as her embodied mothers had before her. The idea of “family,” something she desired, kept pulling her back until she finally left.

When Mama left my father, brother and me, the terror did not stop. We were also slapped, hit, beheaded. I left one evening with my head in one hand, packed bag in the other, and stepped into a worse horror, a bed I could not vacate until buzzards circled my door as the black widower departed.

I was 29. That ex-husband morphed into several other fatalities.— All Muslim men—Sufi, NOI converts to Sunni . . . emancipated and still shackled. They were no good. None of them. I kept marrying my father over and over again, until now I just keep my distance from any intimate relationships[2]

Forty years ago I asked the Imam at the Muslim Center I attended if we could host a circle for women survivors of domestic violence. He agreed and said I could host it. But I didn’t want to host it, I just wanted to attend one.

I’d still like to attend such a circle composed of women raised Muslim from the Nation of Islam forward, not women born outside the U.S. A circle for women who have had ayats, or Qur’an verses, shoved down their throats, ayats that condone male violence against women.

“Beat her lightly. . . . [She deserved it.]” “Men are the caretakers of women.” “You may dislike a thing that brings about a great deal of good” (Qur’an)
Beat her lightly. . . ., one verse says. She deserved it. Men are the caretakers of women.

I didn’t have anywhere to run. I asked. I looked for announcements along an underground railroad. There were no safe houses, no shelters, no abolitionist movement.

My father told me “a woman’s place is with her husband.” I should have expected such a response, but I didn’t, so I stayed with the abuser until I had a job that could support me and two daughters – three long scary years.

I just wanted to get away before they, too, bore witness and became trapped in memories, nightmares haunting me even now.

I don’t think my daughters have suffered such abuse in their relationships, but I can’t say the same will be true for their children. Perhaps such violence lies dormant like a sleeper cell and gets triggered in certain circumstances?

I have experienced physical and emotional abuse. I think the emotional abuse is worse because it is here that the insidious manipulation happens, the wounds invisible so that the victim can think she imagined such. This is what the perpetrator wants us to believe. Sisters, I say the wounds are real. They show themselves in indecision, self-doubt, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and suicide.

I keep a therapist employed. I think this is why I am still alive and functional 41 years after the first time I was hit, pregnant with my first child. It was at Lake Merritt. I was sitting in a swing by the bird sanctuary.

Wanda Sabir is the Co-Founder and CEO of MAAFA SF-Bay Area and host of Wanda’s Picks Radio show.

[1] From a poem entitled “Buried Placenta” from Volume I: Daddy’s Girl ©Wanda Sabir 2018

[2] From a poem entitled “Virgin Happy Hour” from Volume I: Daddy’s Girl ©Wanda Sabir 2018

Michelle Snider

Associate Editor for The Post News Group. Writer, Photographer, Videographer, Copy Editor, and website editor documenting local events in the Oakland-Bay Area California area.

Posts by Michelle Snider | Website

#NNPA BlackPress

COMMENTARY: The National Protest Must Be Accompanied with Our Votes

Just as Trump is gathering election data like having the FBI take all the election data in Georgia from the 2020 election, so must we organize in preparation for the coming primary season to have the right people on ballots in each Republican district, so that we can regain control of the House of Representatives and by doing so, restore the separation of powers and balance that our democracy is being deprived of.

Published

3 weeks ago

February 10, 2026

Oakland Post

Dr. John E. Warren, Publisher San Diego Voice & Viewpoint Newspaper. File photo..

By Dr. John E. Warren, Publisher San Diego Voice & Viewpoint Newspaper

As thousands of Americans march every week in cities across this great nation, it must be remembered that the protest without the vote is of no concern to Donald Trump and his administration.

In every city, there is a personal connection to the U.S. Congress. In too many cases, the member of Congress representing the people of that city and the congressional district in which it sits, is a Republican. It is the Republicans who are giving silent support to the destructive actions of those persons like the U.S. Attorney General, the Director of Homeland Security, and the National Intelligence Director, who are carrying out the revenge campaign of the President rather than upholding the oath of office each of them took “to Defend The Constitution of the United States.”

In California, the primary comes in June 2026. The congressional races must be a priority just as much as the local election of people has been so important in keeping ICE from acquiring facilities to build more prisons around the country.

“We the People” are winning this battle, even though it might not look like it. Each of us must get involved now, right where we are.

In this Black History month, it is important to remember that all we have accomplished in this nation has been “in spite of” and not “because of.” Frederick Douglas said, “Power concedes nothing without a struggle.”

Today, the struggle is to maintain our very institutions and history. Our strength in this struggle rests in our “collectiveness.” Our newspapers and journalists are at the greatest risk. We must not personally add to the attack by ignoring those who have been our very foundation, our Black press.

Are you spending your dollars this Black History Month with those who salute and honor contributions by supporting those who tell our stories? Remember that silence is the same as consent and support for the opposition. Where do you stand and where will your dollars go?

Oakland Post

Posts by Oakland Post

Activism

Dorothy Lee Bolden: Uniting Domestic Workers

Domestic work followed Bolden beyond high school. According to sources from the New York Times, Bolden said she would wake “at 4 a.m. to leave home by 6 a.m., and be on the job by 8 a.m., perform all those duties necessary to the proper management of a household for eight hours, leave there by 4 p.m. to be home by 6 p.m. where I would do the same things I’ve done all over again for my own family.”

Published

3 weeks ago

February 10, 2026

Oakland Post

Dorothy Lee Bolden. File photo.

By Tamara Shiloh

Her first experience with domestic work was at the age of nine. For $1.25 per week, Alabama-born Dorothy Lee Bolden (1923–2005), alongside her mother, washed soiled diapers for a White employer. Little did anyone know that this profession would spur Bolden to spearhead the movement for basic dignity and respect for generations of domestic workers.

Domestic work followed Bolden beyond high school. According to sources from the New York Times, Bolden said she would wake “at 4 a.m. to leave home by 6 a.m., and be on the job by 8 a.m., perform all those duties necessary to the proper management of a household for eight hours, leave there by 4 p.m. to be home by 6 p.m. where I would do the same things I’ve done all over again for my own family.”

It was Bolden’s experiences working as a domestic in 1940’s Atlanta that inspired her civil rights activism. A White female employer demanded that Bolden remain beyond her shift and wash dishes. Bolden refused. She was arrested and held in a county jail because “she was crazy.” There was no other reason for disobeying an order from a White person.

Bolden was never sentenced or institutionalized, but this event was the seed that grew into organization that would protect domestic workers across the United States: the National Domestic Workers Union of America.

Rosa Parks had made public transportation a major breeding ground for civil rights activism, so Bolden began organizing during the long bus rides her peers made to the wealthy neighborhoods. Many were fed up, working long hours for little pay, with little to no worker protections.

This organization of women would go on to fight for worker’s rights, create training programs, and teach workers to advocate for themselves. It was also important to Bolden to teach communication skills.

In the book Household Workers Unite, Bolden is quoted as saying: “You have to teach each maid how to negotiate… And this is the most important thing — communication. I would tell them it was up to them to communicate.”

But respect for Bolden’s activism was not shared by everyone. Although she consulted presidents Ford, Reagan, and Carter, she received several death threats from the Ku Klux Klan.

The New York Times reported that during the makings of an oral history project, Bolden said that “men claiming to be members of the KKK called her house and spoke about “whipping my behind,” but in coarser terms. “I told them any time they wanted to, come on over and grab it,” Bolden said during the interview. “It didn’t scare me, didn’t bother me. It made me angry. It made me determined to do what I had to do.”

Representative John Lewis of Georgia said that Bolden “spoke up, and she spoke out, and when she saw something that wasn’t fair, or just, or right, she would say something.”

The NDWU of America ran until the mid-1990s, but Bolden’s legacy lives on.

Oakland Post

Posts by Oakland Post

Arts and Culture

Book Review: Books on Black History and Black Life for Kids

For the youngest reader, “As You Are: A Hope for Black Sons” by Kimberly A. Gordon Biddle, illustrated by David Wilkerson (Magination Press, $18.99) is a book for young Black boys and for their mothers. It’s a hope inside a prayer that the world treats a child gently, and it could make a great baby shower gift.

Published

3 weeks ago

February 10, 2026

Oakland Post

Photo of Black History Month book covers by Terri Schlichenmeyer.

By Terri Schlichenmeyer

Authors: Various, Copyright: c. 2025, 2026, Publishers: Various, SRPs: $17.99-$18.99, Page Counts: Various,

Everybody in your family has stories to share.

Your parents have told you some, no doubt. Your grandparents have offered a few, too, and aunties and uncles have spun some good tales. But there’s so much more to know, so grab one of these great books and learn about Black History and Black life.

For the youngest reader, “As You Are: A Hope for Black Sons” by Kimberly A. Gordon Biddle, illustrated by David Wilkerson (Magination Press, $18.99) is a book for young Black boys and for their mothers. It’s a hope inside a prayer that the world treats a child gently, and it could make a great baby shower gift.

If someone said you couldn’t do something that you were clearly able to do, would you fight to do it anyhow? In the new book, “Remember Her Name! Debbie Allen’s Rise to Fame” by Tami Charles, illustrated by Meredith Lucius (Charlesbridge, $17.99), a young girl in the Jim Crow South is told that she can’t dance because of the color of her skin.

She didn’t listen, though, and neither did her mother, who took her daughter to Mexico, where the girl soared! This is an inspiration for any 5-to-7-year-old; be sure to check out the back-of-the-book information, if you’re an adult fan.

Do you often hear your elders say things that sound like lessons? They might be, so “Where There is Love: A Story of African Proverbs” by Shauntay Grant, illustrated by Leticia Moreno (Penguin Workshop, $18.99) is a book you’ll like. It’s a quick-to-read collection of short proverbs that you can say every day. Kids ages 4-to-6 will easily remember what they find in this book; again, look in the back for more information.

Surely, you love your neighborhood, which is why the tale inside “Main Street: A Community Story about Redlining” by Britt Hawthorne and Tiffany Jewell, illustrated by David Wilkerson (Penguin Kokila, $18.99) is a book for you.

Olivia’s neighborhood is having a block party, but she’s sad when no one shows up. That’s when she learns that “the government” is discriminating against the people and businesses near where she lives. So, what can she and her neighbors do? The answer might inspire 6-to-8-year-old kids to stand up to wrongs they see, and to help make their neighborhoods stronger and safer.

And finally, if a kid wants a book, where can they go to find it? In “I’m So Happy You’re Here: A Celebration of Library Joy” by Mychal Threets, illustrated by Lorraine Nam (Random House, $18.99) is a good introduction to the best of what a library has to offer. The freedom to walk into a library and borrow a book is the theme here, as is the sheer happiness of being welcomed, no matter who you are. This is an easy book for kids as young as two and as old as five to enjoy.

On that note, if you want more, head to that library, or a nearby bookstore. They’ll be glad to see you. They’ve got stories to share.