By Anissa Durham, Word in Black U.S. adults reported higher levels of loneliness during the height of the pandemic. This was compounded by isolation, in-person restrictions, and virtual learning. Many young adults report feeling left out or like they missed out on new friends and experiences. But, as we move into a “new normal,” Americans are still […]
The post Black Americans On How to Have Joyful Friendships first appeared on BlackPressUSA.
U.S. adults reported higher levels of loneliness during the height of the pandemic. This was compounded by isolation, in-person restrictions, and virtual learning. Many young adults report feeling left out or like they missed out on new friends and experiences.
But, as we move into a “new normal,” Americans are still struggling to make new friends. Friendship is vital to feeling less lonely and building an emotional support system.
A report by Survey Center on American Life found differences in feelings of satisfaction based on the number of friends Americans have. Black folks expressed greater feelings of satisfaction than white people.
I’ve spent the entire year thinking about my friends. The strength of our relationship. Making new friends. And losing friends. As a young Black woman, I thought about the joy and pain of friendships, and the vitality of those relationships.
Who and what makes a good friend depends on who you ask. But the beauty of these relationships illuminates our lives and mental health. To show the depth of good friendships and the pain of bad friends, I spoke with five Black women and men about what friendship means to them, and what they’ve learned from these relationships.
My closest friends are from college, undergrad at San Diego State. I have some post grad friendships that are in Boston. They’ve shown me so much about myself beyond being a student. I find them very valuable to my life.
Right now, I think a good friendship looks like accountability, check ins, good active listening, and just being in the loop. It takes a really good friend to have tough conversations and to understand the responsibility that they serve in your life. And to understand that their presence is powerful.
Since I graduated, I moved to a brand-new city where I knew no one and I live alone. So, I feel like it’s very easy to be lonely and kind of dwell on that quiet space. Now, I define friends as someone who gets you out of that quiet space, well-being, and centers my strengths and also pushes you to be greater.
I have a friend that I’ve known since I was 10-years-old. For him to see my growth is really cool, and we’re able to have different conversations than we were before. He channels health and well-being through difficult things like my parents’ divorce. He’s also a Black man, so there’s a lot of identity [conversations].
I think the loneliness doesn’t feel as strong. I don’t feel as alone when I’m communicating with my friends or when we’re making jokes and hanging out. I think their patience helps them to be a better friend to me.
Random calls, FaceTime’s, and audio messages are really something that I consider a love language. Audio message is really nice, it’s listening to your best friend’s podcast.
I identify as a Black American, and people that prioritize my identity especially in interracial friendships really helped me to feel safe. As I’m navigating a predominately white city, with historical stereotypes that are very anti-Black, it helps to know that friends are checking in.
It’s hard to make friends as an adult. Either I make friends, or I don’t. It’s definitely an inner conversation I have with myself. I want to see Black people, but I never know when is the next time I’ll see a Black person, which is so scary.
Taayoo Murray, 42, New York City, Freelance health writer
I’m very deliberate about how I define who my friends are, because I keep a very tight circle. My closest friends are Kathey, Rochelle, and Kimbrilee. The four of us are in a group chat. We’ve known each other for more than 25 years.
I prize loyalty. It’s not that you can’t criticize, it’s not that you can’t tell a friend they’re wrong, but I think loyalty is the main ingredient. I’m always there for my friends — always. I suppose that’s why I don’t have many because I’m so fiercely protective of my friends that I probably don’t have the bandwidth to have a ton of friends.
When Kathey had a miscarriage, I slept the entire night in the hospital with her. We were crying together. When Rochelle’s dad died, I dropped off my kids and went straight to the hospital where her dad died. Kim had a medical emergency once, and I made sure I was there with her.
My dad died when I was 25, I was really a daddy’s girl. Kathy broke the news to me. All of my girlfriends basically took over my life at that time.
I now know that they keep me sane. I kind of took my friendships for granted — it wasn’t until the pandemic that I realized how much I depended on them. Conversations that I have with my girlfriends, I don’t necessarily have with my sister, and I don’t have with my mom. It’s like a real safe space. There’s absolutely nothing that we don’t discuss in our group. We talk about anything and everything.
I like the fact that they listen, and they keep confidence. I never have to worry that the stuff I tell them I’m going to hear it somewhere else. It’s just so liberating. You don’t realize how much you need people to talk to until you don’t have it.
Jason Clarke, 23, D.C., full-time student
Some of my closest friends, we met at church. I’ve been friends with a lot of them for almost 10 years now. We’ve all seen each other grow up. It’s really crazy seeing how everyone’s life is turning out.
To me what makes a good friendship, number one, is loyalty. When I was facing some of the darkest parts of my life, I was able to depend on them. They’ve always been really dependable people who I can count on.
My brother passed away in 2017. That was a really, really tough time. The reason why I can say I’m sane today is because of my friends. I think people expect grief to be linear, but to this day my friends are still here for me.
I feel like they helped me to experience joy in different parts of my life. If I didn’t have them, I don’t know if I’d have any joy. I’ve also found peace through them. They’re truly kind, loving, and protective people.
A lot of times people believe that men can’t be friends with women, or there can’t be platonic friends — but I beg to differ. My friend group is a good mix of both.
My closest friendships are friends that I met through my religious community, the Baha’i community. One of my best friends is Asiyih. Maybe two weeks into our friendship, I realized how important a spiritual component is in a friendship. We connected with each other on a level that I had never connected with any friends before.
Asiyih (left) and Kayla (right). Courtesy of Kayla Taylor.
We met in February of 2022. I had just moved away from home to Washington, D.C., for graduate school. One of the nights, we realized we were like the same person; we were just singing old Disney Channel songs. It usually takes me a really long time to get comfortable with someone, but I felt that with her right away.
She welcomed me into her life, the same way that I welcomed her into my life.
I was going through a really hard breakup at the time, and I needed a social circle. I think she intentionally and unintentionally helped me heal through that. And helped me realize there’s so much love outside of a romantic relationship. A friendship with other women is stronger than any romantic relationship I could ever build.
This time in my life feels a little bit next level, and I think part of it is that I’m getting the physical affection that I never really got growing up. Laughter is my favorite thing about these friendships.
Chantel Philip, 36, New Jersey, Photographer
My closest friends are from high school. A good friendship to me is a space to allow me to be my full self and authentically me. A lot of friendships I’ve had had to be in alignment of who I was in that moment. Navigating that is very difficult when you’re an adult. Because it’s uncomfortable and lonely when you’re growing and the other people are not, but you don’t want to let them go.
It’s important to create boundaries and have friendships that respect that and don’t push them. I’m a recovering people pleaser. When I was younger, I just wanted to be liked and to fit in. I was blessed and cursed for being very popular. I’ve realized my light is very bright, and my personality is very pure and fun to be around. With that energy, sometimes you attract the wrong people, who want to use your energy for their own means.
Courtesy of Chantel Philip.
I still had difficulty in college as well. Now when I see people being jealous of me — it’s weird. That has been something that I had to learn internally and let it guide me in the direction of better and more supportive friendships.
I do appreciate those terrible friends. I appreciate the jealous ones. I appreciate the toxic ones, and the ones that slept with my man.
There was a time when my ex cheated on me. We lived together. They came over and helped me pack and move into my new space. And my friends sat me down and said ‘I think your problem is that you don’t love yourself enough and you don’t see yourself as worthy.’
I didn’t know I wasn’t confident before. I didn’t know I had low self-esteem. I didn’t know I deserved more.
How ever you treat yourself in those friendships and how those people treat you will show up in your romantic relationships. Loving myself more attracted people in that same energy, because we’re growing together.
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I’m so blessed to have curated the people who are close to me. I really, really want to make new friends this year. I realize they have to be in alignment with me and doing the work internally in their spirit.
Probably the toughest thing you will learn in your adulthood, is to understand not everybody can come with you — and it’s OK. They just can’t come with you on your journey, and they have to have their own journey.
I thrive in joy and happiness. For my mental health, I need people to remind me I’m a good artist, and I know what I’m doing, and that I’m brilliant. The reminder of your worth is so important. I feel like artists are very moody.
They force you to celebrate yourself. Even the littlest of things — (they tell me) ‘don’t be humble.’ They are my cheerleaders. They are my therapists. They’re my spiritual coaches.
COMMENTARY: The National Protest Must Be Accompanied with Our Votes
Just as Trump is gathering election data like having the FBI take all the election data in Georgia from the 2020 election, so must we organize in preparation for the coming primary season to have the right people on ballots in each Republican district, so that we can regain control of the House of Representatives and by doing so, restore the separation of powers and balance that our democracy is being deprived of.
Dr. John E. Warren, Publisher San Diego Voice & Viewpoint Newspaper. File photo..
ByDr. John E. Warren, Publisher San Diego Voice & Viewpoint Newspaper
As thousands of Americans march every week in cities across this great nation, it must be remembered that the protest without the vote is of no concern to Donald Trump and his administration.
In every city, there is a personal connection to the U.S. Congress. In too many cases, the member of Congress representing the people of that city and the congressional district in which it sits, is a Republican. It is the Republicans who are giving silent support to the destructive actions of those persons like the U.S. Attorney General, the Director of Homeland Security, and the National Intelligence Director, who are carrying out the revenge campaign of the President rather than upholding the oath of office each of them took “to Defend The Constitution of the United States.”
Just as Trump is gathering election data like having the FBI take all the election data in Georgia from the 2020 election, so must we organize in preparation for the coming primary season to have the right people on ballots in each Republican district, so that we can regain control of the House of Representatives and by doing so, restore the separation of powers and balance that our democracy is being deprived of.
In California, the primary comes in June 2026. The congressional races must be a priority just as much as the local election of people has been so important in keeping ICE from acquiring facilities to build more prisons around the country.
“We the People” are winning this battle, even though it might not look like it. Each of us must get involved now, right where we are.
In this Black History month, it is important to remember that all we have accomplished in this nation has been “in spite of” and not “because of.” Frederick Douglas said, “Power concedes nothing without a struggle.”
Today, the struggle is to maintain our very institutions and history. Our strength in this struggle rests in our “collectiveness.” Our newspapers and journalists are at the greatest risk. We must not personally add to the attack by ignoring those who have been our very foundation, our Black press.
Are you spending your dollars this Black History Month with those who salute and honor contributions by supporting those who tell our stories? Remember that silence is the same as consent and support for the opposition. Where do you stand and where will your dollars go?
BLACKPRESSUSA NEWSWIRE — I have found that there are some educational approaches that consistently provide a safer, more enriching, and more affirmative environment for Black children. The Montessori method, developed by Italian physician Maria Montessori and introduced to the U.S. in the early 20th century, is one such approach.
As a mother of four children, I’ve done A LOT of school shopping. I don’t mean the autumn ritual of purchasing school supplies. I mean shopping for schools – pouring over promotional materials, combing through websites, asking friends and community members for referrals to their favorite schools, attending open houses and orientations, comparing curriculums and educational philosophies, meeting teachers and principals, and students who all claim that their school is the best.
But keep in mind – I’m not just a mom of four children. I’m a mom of four Black children, and I’m also a psychologist who is very interested in protecting my little ones from the traumatic experience that school can too often become.
The truth is that schools are more than academic institutions. They are places where children go to gain a sense of who they are, how they relate to others, and where they fit into the world. The best schools are places that answer these questions positively – ‘you are a valuable human being, you are a person who will grow up to contribute great things to your community, and you belong here, with us, exploring the world and learning how to use your gifts.’ Unfortunately, Black children looking for answers to these universal questions of childhood will often hit a brick wall once they walk into the classroom. If the curriculum does not reflect their cultural experiences, the teachers don’t appear to value them, and they spend most of their time being shamed into compliance rather than guided towards their highest potential, well…what can we really expect? How are they supposed to master basic academic skills if their spirits have been crushed?
Here’s the good news. In my years of school shopping, and in the research of Black education specialists such as Jawanza Kunjufu and Amos Wilson, I have found that there are some educational approaches that consistently provide a safer, more enriching, and more affirmative environment for Black children. The Montessori method, developed by Italian physician Maria Montessori and introduced to the U.S. in the early 20th century, is one such approach.
The key feature of Montessori schooling is that children decide (for the most part) what they want to do each day. Led by their own interests and skill levels, children in a Montessori classroom move around freely and work independently or with others on tasks of their own
choosing. The classroom is intentionally stocked with materials tailored to the developmental needs of children, including the need to learn through different senses (sight, touch/texture, movement, etc.). The teacher in a Montessori classroom is less like a boss and more like a caring guide who works with each child individually, demonstrating various activities and then giving them space to try it on their own. The idea is that over time, students learn to master even the toughest tasks and concepts, and they feel an intense sense of pride and accomplishment because they did it by themselves, without pressure or pushing.
I think that this aspect of the Montessori method is good for all kids. Do you remember the feeling of having your creativity or motivation crushed by being told exactly what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and why? The truth is that when presented with a new challenge and then given space, children actually accomplish a lot! They are born with a natural desire to learn. It is that spirit of curiosity, sense of wonder, and excitement to explore that Montessori helps to keep alive in a child. But that’s not the only reason that I think Black parents need to consider Montessori.
Fostering a love of learning is great. But more importantly, I think that Montessori students excel at learning to love. It begins with Montessori’s acknowledgement that all children are precious because childhood is a precious time. In many school systems, Black children are treated like miniature adults (at best) or miniature criminals (at worst), and are subjected to stressful situations that no kids are equipped to handle – expectations to be still and silent for long periods, competitive and high-stakes testing, and punitive classroom discipline. It’s easy to get the sense that rather than being prepared for college or careers, our children are being prepared to fail. Couple this with the aforementioned bias against Black children that seems to run rampant within the U.S. school system, and you end up with children who feel burned out and bitter about school by the time they hit 3rd grade.
In my experience, Montessori does a better job of protecting the space that is childhood – and all the joy of discovery and learning that should come along with that. Without the requirement that students “sit down and shut up,” behavioral issues in Montessori classrooms tend to be non-existent (or at least, the Montessori method doesn’t harp on them; children are gently redirected rather than shamed in front of the class). Montessori students don’t learn for the sake of tests; they demonstrate what they’ve learned by sharing with their teacher or classmates how they solve real-world problems using the skills they’ve gained through reading, math, or science activities. And by allowing children a choice of what to focus on throughout the day, Montessori teachers demonstrate that they honor and trust children’s natural intelligence. The individualized, careful attention they provide indicates to children that they are each seen, heard, and valued for who they are, and who they might become. Now that’s love (and good education).
As a parent, I’ve come to realize that many schools offer high-quality academics. Montessori is no different. Students in Montessori schools gain exposure to advanced concepts and the materials to work with these concepts hands-on. Across the nation, Montessori schools emphasize early literacy development, an especially important indicator of life success for young Black boys and men. Montessori students are provided with the opportunity to be
successful every day, and the chance to develop a sense of competence and self-worth based on completing tasks at their own pace.
But I have also learned that the important questions to ask when school shopping are often not about academics at all. I now ask, ‘Will my children be treated kindly? Will they be listened to? Protected from bias and bullying? Will they feel safe? Will this precious time in their lives be honored as a space for growth, development, awe, and excitement? Will they get to see people like them included in the curriculum? Will they be seen as valuable even if they don’t always ‘measure up’ to other kids on a task? Will they get extra support if they need it? Will the school include me in major decisions? Will the school leaders help to make sure that my children reach their fullest potential? Will the teacher care about my children almost as much as I do?’
Consistently, it’s been the Montessori schools that have answered with a loud, resounding ‘Yes!’ That is why my children ended up in Montessori schools, and I couldn’t be happier with that decision. If you’re a parent like me, shopping for schools with the same questions in mind, I’d urge you to consider Montessori education as a viable option for your precious little ones. Today more than ever, getting it right for our children is priceless.
LIVE from the NMA Convention Raheem DeVaughn Says The Time Is Now: Let’s End HIV in Our Communities #2
Set against the backdrop of the NMA conference, Executive Officers from the National Medical Association, Grammy Award Winning Artist and Advocate Raheem DeVaughn, and Gilead Sciences experts, are holding today an important conversation on HIV prevention and health equity. Black women continue to be disproportionately impacted by HIV despite advances in prevention options. Today’s event […]
Set against the backdrop of the NMA conference, Executive Officers from the National Medical Association, Grammy Award Winning Artist and Advocate Raheem DeVaughn, and Gilead Sciences experts, are holding today an important conversation on HIV prevention and health equity.
Black women continue to be disproportionately impacted by HIV despite advances in prevention options. Today’s event is designed to uplift voices, explore barriers to access, and increase awareness and key updates about PrEP, a proven prevention method that remains underutilized among Black women. This timely gathering will feature voices from across health, media, and advocacy as we break stigma and center equity in HIV prevention.
● Gilead Sciences is increasing awareness and addressing stigma by encouraging regular HIV testing and having judgment-free conversations with your healthcare provider about prevention options, including oral PrEP and long-acting injectable PrEP options.
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